


You can’t break something that was never whole

by bloodrunningstale (silvercross)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2017-12-31 21:59:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvercross/pseuds/bloodrunningstale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>stiles is alone.</p><p>always alone </p><p>he cant do it any more </p><p>100 words</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You can’t break something that was never whole

Would anyone miss me if I was dead?

Stiles pondered that question often.

he _knew_ he was depressed, he knew should say something to someone but the thought of exposing that part of himself to _anyone_ made him feel physically sick.

once he drunkenly confessed his state to Heather. her look of disappointment, of pity, that he saw each time they met. They drifted apart after that,

 _Just a phase_ she thought.

 _He’s got Scott, Scott will help_ she thought

 _I’ve got my own stuff to deal with_ she thought

_He’ll be ok…_

She died only a year after that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stiles take the first step towards his own destruction

Stiles told himself he was happy, that the sharp sting of loneliness was just a passing thing no problem, someone would notice.

Someone had to notice eventually.

It started small. 

He stopped eating lunch, just deciding one day to see if anyone would notice he was gone. He watched as the people who he thought might miss him carried on with their lives without him.

They laughed and joked not one indicating that they had even noticed Stiles absence, not even Scott.

He stopped eating breakfast. Then dinner, only eating when the cramps got too severe.

He just didn't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment


	3. Chapter 3

He will admit that it got worse after that.

It started with the cutting.

Initially it was just an experiment.

To see if he could still feel anything.

That’s what worried him the most, his life was no longer ups and downs it was just neutral. no friends to talk to make him laugh or cry. No life or death situations to give him a purpose. Just himself and school. Even that felt pointless sometimes. He just felt empty, broken. With every day that passed alone with this… _thing_ hanging over him he felt a little more of himself drift away.

The quick wit people hated. Faded to nothing.

The loyal heart which got broken so often. Grew withered.

The warm personality that seemed to have an unending amount of optimism. That just died.

He was tired.

Tired of the life that had knocked him on his ass too many times.

He was fucking exhausted of picking himself up.

He had put himself back together so many times the pieces didn’t really fit anymore.

He liked that analogy. He didn’t quite fit anymore. He grinned morbidly as he pressed the pen knife into his skin again, maybe if he cut just a little more the pieces might fit again. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he made a mistake

He acknowledges that the drinking was a slip up.

His father drunk so much he wouldn’t miss a couple bottles. He was usually careful but he was angry that night. angry that he had let himself become this worthless. He drank and cut him self, long untidy cuts that really _hurt_

He drank until five caught an hours sleep before his alarm woke him up, he was still slightly intoxicated. Deciding against the car he stumbled to school. On arrival he leant uneasily against his locker, trying with all his might to remember his combination but his hands just didn’t comply.

“what the fuck are you doing?” cora growled behind him, he turned unsure she was talking to him. No one had properly spoken to him in over a month.

“s’rry?” he slurred she slammed him against the lockers

“I asked what the fuck are you doing?” Stiles frowned

“I'm _really_ s’rry cora but I d’nt know what you are t’lking about” she sniffed him

“you stink of booze, and you can barely walk, you need to go home” for some reason that made Stiles angry. He pushed her off him.

“what do you care?” he hissed “if I died tomorrow what would it matter to you?” she stepped back shocked

“Stiles…” he held up a hand. Opting instead to walk home. She did it wrong but she had a point he was too drunk to be in school.

As he left cora frowned,

_why did she smell blood on Stiles, like all over as if he was bathed in the stuff_ …


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> of all the streets in all the towns derek had to drive down that one.

He tripped as he walked, wind milling wildly for a second before falling heavily on his left wrist, numbly he registered that it hurt.

But he continued walking; he staggered into the street briefly before trying to correct himself it was only a couple seconds before he stumbled into the road again this time a car had to break sharply.

Cursing Stiles tried to scramble away from the car belatedly realising he knew that car and he was not going to like the person inside.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Derek growled.

Stiles ducked his head and tried to walk away.

The wolf followed “you deaf and stupid?” he spun Stiles by the shoulder, the boy faltered but continued.

He didn’t need Derek hale getting in his business.

He was desperate for contact but going to a guy that actively hated him was too far.

Admittedly Derek had gotten better since he went back to being a beta but he was still an ass at best.

Stiles tried he really did, he tried to just walk home and leave Derek out of his life, but no that wasn’t happening.

Derek just had to keep coming grabbing him by the wrist exactly where he had cut last night, he had to break the scab and smell the blood.

Stiles jerked his arm away in pain; the sharp sting of the cut sobered him a little

“Leave me alone” Stiles hissed angrily. Derek took a shocked step back.

The teen didn’t quite understand why people were shocked when he spoke to them.

Stiles started walking leaving Derek stunned standing by the side of the road.

“Stiles!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what is he even doing?

When Stiles arrived home there was a message left form him on his ancient answering machine.

_Hey Stiles Scott here looks like you missed school today I need you to look at something for me something killed a girl in the forest last night I need you to research something just for now until Lydia gets back on Monday. Call me when you get this._

he laughed bitterly.

Scott really was an asshole, four months, four long bloody months since Scott had so much as spoken to him.

Grinning wryly stiles pulled out his phone and sent off a brief text in response.

_Go fuck yourself_

he went upstairs stripping as he went.

When he reached his bed he was clad in only his boxers.

Desperate to feel something other than hate and pain he pulled out his pen knife and dragged it across his thigh.

He was ten cuts in before he registered that if he cut anymore he could bleed out.

He was usually methodical about his cuts, cleaning and dressing them after but this was not a typical day.

He let the cuts bleed until he felt light headed moving the skin to stop it from scabbing over.   

He lay back on his bed and allowed the tears which had been building to dribble down his cheeks. 

Before long huge racking sobs were tearing through him. 

He couldn't.

He just couldn't bare his life.

What would his mother think of him now a worthless piece of snivelling shivering crap who had ruined his own body.

He was disgusted with himself. 


	7. Chapter 7

_He was disgusted with himself..._

Rolling over he grabbed the towel from beside his bed and staunched some of the bleeding. But he was so tired and the thought of moving anymore made him feel nauseous. So he just closed his eyes and let oblivion take him. 

 

He awoke what must have been many hours later to a dark room. Sighing he looked down at his legs the cuts had scabbed over but he would still need to wash the blood that had congealed off. It was as he stood that he heard it, a low growl. Blue eyes shone out at him in the gloom. 

"What do you want Derek?" Stiles asked wearily. Derek made a small noise in the back of his throat almost like a whimper. 

"What are you doing?" He replied incredulously "what the hell are you doing?" his voice shaking slightly. Sighing again stiles retorted sadly 

"Nothing Derek, I'm doing nothing" the wolf growled at that statement, moving towards him he pressed a finger hard against one of the cuts on the boy's legs, stiles hissed in pain 

"that's nothing is it ?" Grabbing his wrist he ran a finger over the ridges that resided there. "These are nothing?!" Derek was yelling now. 

"Yes Derek they are nothing because they are absolutely none of your business" Derek visibly recoiled "you know of all people I thought you would understand" stiles continued idly almost as it the convorsation bored him 

"How could anyone understand this?" Derek snarled 

"You were alone too when Laura... Went away, before Scott came along you were alone when we first met I recognised that look in your eyes, no hope, no future. You were one step from where I am now"  

Derek was shocked he had never told anyone and yet her was this annoying kid who had simply worked it out. 

"You need to stop this stiles" Derek implored ignoring stiles' previous statement 

"Why?" The wolf was stunned for a second 

"What?" 

"I asked why should I stop?" 

"Because your hurting yourself" the boy shrugged 

"I want to hurt myself it's my choice. try again"

"You could die" stiles chuckled 

"Too careful for that" 

"You have people who care about you" Derek knew he had touched a nerve because the dead eyes that were filled with macabre mirth a moment ago had steeled and set into a mask of rage. 

"Really Derek I have people who care do I? Would you care to point them out to me? Hm where is Scott? Or dad? Or anyone else for that matter. No one cares about what happens to me Derek. This is the first time I've had a proper conversation in months. Don't you get it 

I 

Am 

A

Waste 

Of

Space

"


	8. Chapter 8

 

Stiles punctuated his statement with pokes to the wolfs chest. 

Derek sat back in the chair he had emerged from, face pale and mouth agape, stiles turned and picked up his pen knife carefully cleaning off the blood. 

It wasn't too late he could still get a couple more cuts in that evening. 

"Get out Derek" stiles continued wearily. The wolf jerked as if he had been shot 

"What will you do if I leave?" Stiles lifted the knife so the moonlight could glint off the blade, in a way he thought it was beautiful, but part of him rebelled from the fact that the thing in his hand would probably cause his death one day. 

"Nothing" stiles replied darkly "hell I might do nothing even if you don't leave, it's not like you would do anything about it" 

Stiles sat back on the bed twirling the blade between his long fingers. Nodding Derek seemed to agree something to himself, he got up and left the room. A little part of himself was sad that Derek left. 

he wanted someone to stop him. 

Frowning he tried to blot out the twinge of sadness by cutting shallowly into his wrist,

you read that people who cut think their blood running over their skin is beautiful,

 

it's not.

 

Fuck it's just pain to remind you that you're alive, that if you cut you still bleed.

It's is the physical embodiment of your hatred, for the pain inside.

It is not beautiful, it is horrific and ugly, shameful and damning.

 

Stiles bit his lip to keep in a cry as he sliced again but deeper. He jumped as a hand gripped his, gently prying the knife from his grip. Derek knelt before him tears making tracks down his cheeks, 

"Stop" Derek choked flinging the blade across the room. A wet towel was clutched in his other hand gently he pressed it against the boys bleeding wrist.

"For me please stop" Derek lent forward until his forehead touched stiles'.

"I can't loose you too" he whispered hoarsely placing a gentle hand on the back of stiles neck. With his uncut arm he gripped Derek's forearm. 

"I'm not sure you haven't already"  


	9. Chapter 9

What do you want me to do Derek?”

“I need you to stop” he replied without even looking up from where he was dressing the cuts on his legs

“It’s not that simple” stiles grimaced. He resisted the temptation to push Derek away and out of his life again.

“Why” the wolf asked bluntly “why can’t you just stop?” he growled

“Because it’s just not!

One person noticing that there is something wrong will not fix this.

It will not fix that fact that I hate myself” stiles yelled

“It will not fix the fact that that I have nothing to live for” he whispered tears finally spilling over.

“Stiles” he breathed before pulling the boy into an embrace. The simple touch of another human being was too much for him his tears turned to sobs

“I can’t Derek, I just can’t, and it’s not so easy. I can’t” he whimpered again and again. Derek tried to think of any way he could bring the lost soul in his arms back to safety

“Let me take some of that burden. Let me help you breathe. I can feel you’re hurting, let me help you please” Derek whispered as he attempted to comfort the boy

“I know the chances of you magically getting better because I’m here for you are slim but we have to try.

Please stiles

Will you try … for me?


End file.
